Dear Bonnie

I made the Dean's List at my school for having a 4.0 GPA. For those who know me well, I struggled with my grades all while I was growing up, especially in High School, so I was very stoked when I got this.

Gernight

My cute little Carsten came in to my room where I've been laying down, climbed up onto my bed and said, "Lay down, close your eyes, and go back to sleep, OK mommy?  I'll be back in a little bit to check on you, OK mommy?  Gernight!"

Insanity

Have you ever felt so desolate and alone that you never thought you would be OK again? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, your entire being was being sucked into a spinning vortex of insanity and there was no way out? That's how the past three months have been for me.

Back in August, I came to Utah to visit my family, and what was supposed to be a two week vacation turned into a three month sentence. I began having complications with my pregnancy, so I went to the ER, and got told I was on bed rest. I followed up with an OB/GYN here, and he also put me on bed rest, and told me there was no way I would be OK making the 14+ hour drive back to Arizona alone, so I had to wait until my husband could take vacation time to come up and drive me home. Then hell proceeded to overtake my life. My toddler became more and more disobedient, and because of my bed ridden state, I couldn't do much to enforce rules. My relationship with my father began to go back to what it was when I was a teen still living at home, ie, explosive and volatile. My relationship with my husband very nearly fell to pieces because of past behaviors on my part that were rather unfavorable. I felt demeaned, disrespected and criticised for every thing I did while staying with my parents over the course of these three months. I felt like the world's worst mother, because I have been physically unable to care for my child, and because of those negative feelings, I began to get mean. I have lashed out in ways that I never would have dreamed I was capable of. I became every thing I hated. So I made a resolution to stop letting the negative determine how I react to situations. Unfortunately, no matter what I did, certain people were able to push my buttons, and seemed to enjoy causing me distress. Over the past three months, I have gained a whole new appreciation for my husband and his patience with me, because, as bad as my fears and feelings of worthlessness were with him, they didn't even come close to how I've felt here, and my sweetheart has managed, even being 850+ miles away, to ease my heavy heart, and relieve my aggravation.

Last night, for the first time in the three months I've been here, I got to be in my sweet husband's loving embrace. All of the insanity just disappeared. All of the heartache and grief and frustration just dissolved into nothing. All that mattered was that I was back with my husband, and that he will be taking me home. Brand new house, brand new ward, brand new life. And in another three months, we will have a brand new baby girl.

The moral of this random tangent: life may suck or not be what we want it to be, but there IS ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel.

Crazy

So, my dad called while I was on the phone with my sweetie, and when I called him back, he put my son on the phone. "Hi Mommy!" "Hi baby! What ya doin?" "I'm driving!" "Are you driving the cart?" "No...I'm driving Grandpa crazy!" SNORT! Rofl. I love my son.

Broken

On Wednesday, I was having some very serious contractions and it felt like possibly Aria was going to come way too early. So I headed to the hospital, where they hooked me up to a fetal movement/heart rate monitor and an IV. After getting up to go to the bathroom and laying back down, Carsten came and sat on the bed with me, and as the nurse was hooking the monitors back up, he gently put his little hand on her sleeve and said, "Thank you for fixing Mommy. She's hurting and broken." *melt*

Then, about an hour 1/2 later, I had to get up to go to the bathroom again, and as the nurses were helping me up, my gown came open, and Carsten, his eyes wide, said, "Mommy! Where's your pants?!" LOL

Not Happening

Our family went to the Boo at the Zoo, and afterwards we went to Chick-fil-a to eat. As we were leaving the restaurant, I told Carsten to hold my hand as we went across the parking lot, and he looked at me and said, "That's not even happening!" LOL

Noise

Carsten and I were going through my old photo album and we came across a picture of Grandpa sleeping on the couch... Me: "Carsten, who's that?" Carsten: "It's GRANDPA!" Me: "What's Grandpa doing?" Carsten: "Making NOISE!" Everyone cracked up!

Strangled cat

So, I was talking to my mom tonight, and in the background I heard this...caterwauling and asked my mom if someone was strangling a cat in the background. Mom just chuckled for a little bit but didn't say anything. I asked why she was laughing and she said, while still laughing, "That's your father singing, dear." I busted up laughing so hard I started to cry.

Bedtime

I was tucking Carsten in tonight, and every time I told him goodnight, he would say, "Mommy, kiss?" "Mommy, hug?" "Mommy, sing Teach Me?" Finally I just chuckled and said, "Carsten, you're just trying to come up with every possible excuse to NOT go to sleep, aren't you?" He looked up at me with these adorable angelic eyes, and said, "Yes...Maybe." LOL. Gotta love toddlers!

Dolphin

So, I had my ultrasound on Wednesday and my little Carsten saw the pictures and said, "Oh! Look Mommy! It's a dolphin, so beautiful!" I said, "No,Carsten, it's a baby." He looked at me with a grumpy face and said, "No, Mommy, it's a dolphin!"

Haha!!!

I'm sitting in my room writing in my blog, and Carsten comes toddling in and says, "Mommy, who's dat?" "Who's what, sweetheart?" "IT'S YOUR SON!!!" I bust up laughing!

Spaghetti Sauce

So, late last night, Justin and I received a 9 month supply of our favorite spaghetti sauce, Prego! Lol! In all reality, I just found out I'm pregnant and due on the 10th of February! We are super stoked!

Kids...pretty awesome things

So, our two oldest kids are here with us for the first 3 weeks of summer. Naturally, Carsten has loved every waking second he has with them, and he's learning so much with them here. I've thoroughly enjoyed their company each day. They bring such joy and pride to my heart as I watch them grow and learn every day. My son, Skyler has a developmental disability, and he has a very difficult time with comprehending fantasy stories, or even with writing his own. He also has difficulty writing legibly, so I've made it my goal this summer to assist both children in improving their minds this summer. They get very limited time on the computer/Xbox, and in replacement of those, they read, they play outside and they have "study time". I implemented study time into their schedule to help their minds retain what they learned in school, and even teach them new skills. This morning, as I was coming back to my room from the restroom, my Skyler came up, wrapped his arms around me, and said, "Mom, I love you! You're the best mom I've ever had. And Daddy is the best daddy I've ever had." Talk about make my heart swell, yet break at the same time. If I'm the best Mom he's had, how does his biological mother treat him? And how does his step-dad treat him. Granted, we already kind of know that they are really rough on Skyler, because he isn't as quick to obey as Mikaela, and sometimes he's a bit out of control. But in OUR home, we do our best to have patience and understanding with him, because he DOES have that disability, and its hard for him to control himself when he's off his meds. I'm so grateful to have these wonderful children in my life! I love my kids.

Kaboom

You all have probably noticed that my blog has now been blown up by copious amounts of poetry. I am in a Creative Writing class and most of these are what I've done as homework. The only one that is not a homework assignment is "You Do Not Know", which I did back when I was a Junior in High School. 

I hope you all enjoy the poetry!

You Do Not Know

"You Do Not Know"

I know you do not know me;

You probably never will.

I'm the voice you hear around you

That tells you not to kill.

I know you do not know me;

But will you even try?

I'm the soul that is inside you

That shows you how to cry.

I know you do not know me;

But do you know my rival?

He hates and tries to kill you,

He threatens your survival.

I know you do not know me;

But do you wish you did?

I could have helped to calm you,

When you got scared and hid.

I know you do not know me;

I know you do not care.

But, oh, I wish you did!

There's do much I want to share.

I know you do not know me,

But long ago you did.

I sent my child to fight for you

And on a cross He bled.

I know you do not know me;

You haven't even tried.

You turned my servants from your home.

For years and years I've cried.

I know you do not know me.

Now you are old and gray.

Will you listen to me now?

Will you hear now what I say?

"Behold, this is My Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; Hear HIM."

Family

A very small family, just mother and son.

Our hair is brushed and our Sunday best on.

“Get ready to smile, on the count of three.”

Our first family photo, my baby and me.

The family is growing, and I’m all in white.

My groom by the bishop, I smile at the sight.

I walk towards the altar, my loved ones all stand.

 “Please take each other by the right hand.”

Pictures are snapped, congrats all around.

To the man that I love, I’m eternally bound.

We pick up the baby; we stand side by side,

we’re now prepared for one heck of a ride.

Suitcases are packed and ready to go.

As we say our goodbyes, it starts to snow.

“Families with children please board the plane.”

So much left behind, so much more still to gain.

 A bigger family now, a girl and two boys,

learning to share their games and their toys.

Laughing and learning, together they play.

Watching them grow with each passing day.

A new family photo, in white and in red,

all happy and smiling. With that being said,

we all are still growing, into what is untold.

The end of our stories, we have yet to unfold

Who Knew

Who Knew

Who knew that this life

Would have me looking

Over my shoulder,

Running away from myself?

The fear that around

Some unseen corner

Someone would come at me,

To take away my pride.

Hiding in the shadows,

Waiting to run away.

Waiting for them to leave.

Who knew one could be so scared?

Who could have told me

Not to look back,

Keep looking forward,

They won’t come if you do?

Instead, I look behind me.

They’re coming faster.

I run. They’re everywhere.

They won’t go away.

Who knew that some day

My memories would damn me

To the bitter unknown;

That I would be in hell?

Who knew that someday,

I would find myself

Teetering on the edge,

Fighting against my mind.

Depression. Who knew that

Such a thing could cause such

Turmoil and disdain for life.

That it could turn love to hate.

It became my undoing.

It severed my ties with reality.

Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Is it really all worth it?

They’re coming again,

Needles and pills in their hands.

They say they’ll make the demons go away.

They say that the insanity will stop.

Who knew that in the end,

Those needles and pills would

Do more harm than they would good?

The doctors were wrong.

Medicated for years.

Doctors telling an eight year old girl

That she needs to be hospitalized

Because she is so depressed she’s not safe.

After ten years of hell,

Damn them all.

Who knew?

Apparently, they didn’t.

Ode to the Prisoner

Ode to the Prison Inmate

Sitting,

in a cold lonely cell,

this person

from the outside

world,

a criminal,

but also,

misunderstood

as fellow inmates listen,

eager.

Intense

strength and endurance,

faith and

hope this woman

has,

as the outside

world judges

ignorantly

as she suffers stoically,

alone.

Only she

could understand the hell,

the misery

of living inside

of her mind.

Only she

can find the inner strength

to overcome

what normally would

destroy another human

being.

And only she

has the key to her

emotional freedom from

this hell.

Others

see a woman with disabilities,

autism, depression, anxiety,

but no one

sees the battle

that goes on

while she fights those

demons,

alone in her cell

with her

bible and

her rosary as her only

solace.

Letters

from her family,

cheering her on while she

makes this

journey alone.

While she battles

the common man

so that

she

can gain her freedom once

more.

Only she

knows what it will take

to gain

the wisdom

and the integrity

that she needs to pull through.

She will fight

to be free,

for the sake of the

unborn

child that is growing inside this hell

with her.

She will strive

She will win.

She is strong, and she has hope.

She will not

let the

common man

define the

remarkable

woman that she truly is.

She will prove the world wrong as she

fights.

Freedom will

ring as she walks away

from that

cold hell

that was her home for so long.

The sun in her eyes,

the baby in her belly,

growing.

She is free.

She has won.

And

She was

Not

Broken.

Timeless

Timeless

A silver pocket watch

with the figure of a deer ,

coated in gold.

The clock stopped ticking

many years ago.

The ticking stopped,

Just like the heart

of a gentle old man,

who lived a remarkable life,

to the very end.

The legacy he left,

much like his old watch,

is timeless.

The love he gave to all he met,

irrefutable.

The world stood still

when this sweet man passed.

So many left

with the memory of his kindness

deep in our hearts.

Though frail and old,

he never stopped smiling.

Even in death,

he had a gentle smile on his face,

grateful to go.

Grateful to be

with his beloved Mary,

who had passed,

years before him, a timeless vision

of radiance.

He is always missed,

even after all of these years.

But, like his silver watch,

with the golden deer in the woods,

the thoughts of him are timeless.

Visiting LifeStart

While we were in Utah for Christmas, we went to where Bonnie used to live to visit the Staff and some of her old friends. 

We saw Bonnie's good friend, Lisa Stephenson 

And we saw Debra

                                                                      And Karen

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

Christmas time with Grandpa and Grandma Bauer was a blast. We had fun decorating and cleaning and making candies for the big Christmas Eve Party that we have every year. 

Carsten's favorite thing to do when we visit Grandpa is to share a can of olives with him. And he loves showing Mommy the olives before they go into his mouth. 

He also loves to put olives in Grandpa's mouth. "Here, Papa! Olive? Nummy! Nummy olive!"

Carsten loves to spend time with his cousin, Ashton. Ashton is exactly 9 months, to the day, older than Carsten. 

Ashton gave Carsten a present for Christmas. Should we see what it is?

I think Carsten was more interested in the box, at the time, but he sure loves his new Fire Engine pajamas!

Brian, I still can see yoooou!!!! You cannot hide behind the lamp, no matter how hard you try! 

People started to arrive and then the real fun began. In this picture, coming in the door is Uncle Brian Terry, Aunt Bonnie Terry, Shannon Terry Bludworth, her daughter, Kennedy Bludworth and Kennedy's friend, whose name escapes me at the moment. Go scatterbrained me!

Grandma Bauer is so excited to have everyone together for Christmas! The family is finally complete, now that Justin and Bonnie are married. 

Carsten loves interacting with his cousins. He's telling Elijah Bludworth all about his sister, Mikaela and his brother, Skyler, and all about his new home in Arizona.

The youngest cousins had a fun time playing with a puzzle together in front of the fireplace while we waited for everyone to get there so we could get the party started. 

We got to meet the newest member of our family, Henry Topham. (Although, he wasn't really new. He was about a year old in this picture.) He was very shy. But he was a sweet little cutie. He is the son of Katie and Scott Topham. Scott is the son of Bonnie's Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Dave. 

Dun dun dun dun!!! Annie and Neil are visiting from rainy Seattle, Washington with their boys, Isaac and Boston. Neil used to play all kinds of jokes on Bonnie growing up, like hiding in her closet doing the Jumanji drums on her closet door while shining a flashlight underneath. They still get a good chuckle out of that. 

Everybody seems to be tinkering with something. Ah, the day of technology. 

Every family gathering has to have at least one picture of Scott taking a picture of someone taking a picture....did that even make sense?

Daddy is helping Carsten to sing Jingle Bells. Carsten just wanted to shake the bells the whole time. 

Neil. Enough said. LOL. 

Opening presents with Carsten was so fun. This year, he actually knew what he needed to do in order to get to the stuff inside. 

Mommy and Daddy even got presents. And Carsten was being so helpful by handing them out. 

Daddy got a cool game called Mille Bornes, which is one that he really likes. 

The wonderful thing about our time together is that Justin is always making sure to let Bonnie know he loves her, even if it's simply holding her hand.

Carsten's favorite part of Christmas day was playing in the cool tunnels that Grandma and Grandpa gave him. 

A peaceful family tradition. A fire in the fire place every Christmas. Brought to you by the men of the family.

Our Christmas trip to Utah

Our trip to Utah was cooold. The heater in our car didn't work, so we made sure to drive the majority of it during the day. 

 Leaving Arizona.

 Hoover Dam! Getting closer

 My first semi-upclose glimpse at Hoover Dam on our way to Utah. 

 My darling husband putting on a cheesy smile for me. I love his smile. I love this man period!

 My sweet Carsten playing with what I think are napkins. LOL. Who knows? He was so smiley and happy for the entire trip. He didn't even fuss once. 13 hour car ride with a happy toddler? YES PLEASE!

 WOOHOO!!!!! We're getting closer and closer!

As we were leaving Nevada, we heard Carsten hit himself and when I turned around, he was looking at his hand, scowling, and said, "Ow! Don't hit!!" We started cracking up laughing, because we've been trying to teach him not to hit. 

 Yeah baby! That's what we like to see. We're getting sooo close that I can smell it. 

What a beautiful site!!!!

We arrived safely in Utah, and a wonderful Christmas adventure began.

Christmas Time with the Mattix Family

Christmas time was a very joyful event. The children performed in a Primary Christmas play about the birth of the Savior, and after the play, we had a surprise visitor! Santa came to visit the kids of the ward.

                                           Skyler visiting Santa, telling him what he wanted for Christmas

Mikaela told Santa that she wanted a puppy at Daddy's and Momma Bo's for Christmas

 Carsten wasn't quite sure what to think of Santa, but at least he got a candy cane!

 We had the awesome experience of meeting Great Grandpa Mattix, whom Justin hasn't seen since he was 6. We got a 4 generation picture. I tried to get Skyler to smile, but, alas, I failed miserably.

 In this picture, back to front: K. Justin F Mattix, Keith A. Mattix, Skyler T. Mattix, Bill Mattix, and Carsten C. P. Bauer Mattix. It was an awesome reunion. 

 We also got the awesome experience to meet Great Grandma Madsen. Carsten especially enjoyed playing with her and showing her the Temple lights outside her house, and the toys that she had at her house. In this picture left to right: Skyler T. Mattix, Great Grandma Madsen, Mikaela R. Mattix and Carsten C. P. Bauer Mattix

 Justin and I also got a picture with her. 

 We went to the Mesa Temple to see the Temple lights and the Nativity that they had set up on the Temple grounds. It was beautiful. But Christmas time just isn't quite the same without the snow of Utah. 

 After we saw the Temple lights, we had the opportunity to spend some time with Justin's best friend and adopted brother, Brad Matteson and his sons. We all had a blast playing Angry Birds and RockBand. 

 Christmas time in Arizona: 65° and overcast. Only a hoodie was needed to play soccer at the park. 

 We didn't have a normal Christmas tree. Instead we did a Thankful Tree. Each person drew pictures of  things that they are thankful for.

 Then Daddy taped them up on the wall in the corner in the shape of a tree. At the top where a star would usually be, we put a blank piece of paper with a question mark on it. We told the kids that when they woke up the next morning, there would be something special at the top of the tree. 

 When the children woke up, there was a picture of Jesus at the top of the tree, so that the kids would remember that CHRISTmas is NOT about Santa of presents, but about Jesus.

 Carsten and Mikaela were so excited to see all the presents that were left for them. 

We had our Christmas a few days before the actual day, because Justin, Carsten and Mommy were going to Utah for Christmas with Bonnie's family. We had a wonderful time with the kids, watching the joy on their faces as they opened their presents and played with their new toys. We still have our Thankful Tree up, and will do another one this year.