Insanity

Have you ever felt so desolate and alone that you never thought you would be OK again? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, your entire being was being sucked into a spinning vortex of insanity and there was no way out? That's how the past three months have been for me.

Back in August, I came to Utah to visit my family, and what was supposed to be a two week vacation turned into a three month sentence. I began having complications with my pregnancy, so I went to the ER, and got told I was on bed rest. I followed up with an OB/GYN here, and he also put me on bed rest, and told me there was no way I would be OK making the 14+ hour drive back to Arizona alone, so I had to wait until my husband could take vacation time to come up and drive me home. Then hell proceeded to overtake my life. My toddler became more and more disobedient, and because of my bed ridden state, I couldn't do much to enforce rules. My relationship with my father began to go back to what it was when I was a teen still living at home, ie, explosive and volatile. My relationship with my husband very nearly fell to pieces because of past behaviors on my part that were rather unfavorable. I felt demeaned, disrespected and criticised for every thing I did while staying with my parents over the course of these three months. I felt like the world's worst mother, because I have been physically unable to care for my child, and because of those negative feelings, I began to get mean. I have lashed out in ways that I never would have dreamed I was capable of. I became every thing I hated. So I made a resolution to stop letting the negative determine how I react to situations. Unfortunately, no matter what I did, certain people were able to push my buttons, and seemed to enjoy causing me distress. Over the past three months, I have gained a whole new appreciation for my husband and his patience with me, because, as bad as my fears and feelings of worthlessness were with him, they didn't even come close to how I've felt here, and my sweetheart has managed, even being 850+ miles away, to ease my heavy heart, and relieve my aggravation.

Last night, for the first time in the three months I've been here, I got to be in my sweet husband's loving embrace. All of the insanity just disappeared. All of the heartache and grief and frustration just dissolved into nothing. All that mattered was that I was back with my husband, and that he will be taking me home. Brand new house, brand new ward, brand new life. And in another three months, we will have a brand new baby girl.

The moral of this random tangent: life may suck or not be what we want it to be, but there IS ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel.